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A Life
A Loss
A Lesson
By Catharine Arnold
Contents
Chapter Page
1 A Brothers Sacrifice 7
2 Andy’s influence 27
3 My work, my will 47
4 Shared wisdom 77
5 Who are we? 98
6 Where are we? 117
7 The last chapter 134
Forward
Whoa here goes!!!! I was told to start writing this book today and so I started it. I was told to start this page like this and so I did. Do I always do what I’m told to do? When it is helpful not harmful and in general is of benefit to all then yes because I know my messages are from God. I also don’t look at what I do as work though. I’m just living my life the best way I know how. I get away with it too because I’m thankful for it. I mean truly thankful too. My basic job description is that I am a minister of Gods word through whatever way he sees fit to show me.
My brother Scott died of AIDS. I blame no one nor did he blame anyone either. I gained a new perspective on life following Scott’s death and I won’t feel complete until I share it with the world. Let’s face it though nobody pays attention these days unless you do something of shock value. I’ll call this my own personal wake up to society then because I want the reader to do some speculating with me. I’ve taken a look at the way we view things as a society and come to the conclusion that we’re doing too many things backwards here and I’m going to show you why I think it’s in reverse.
For the most part I’m not sure if people truly understand how in reverse we work here on this planet. There is no mistake when we have tragedies and tribulations happen since there is no such thing as an accident. Things happen for us to learn a lesson yet we often don’t take the lesson we just blame someone else for our misery that surrounds it. The one who gets blamed the most it seems is God.
There are no ordinary moments in this life yet so many of us act like there are even fewer special moments then we realize. Every path you cross has been preset up for you but what you do with it is your free will choice. My family and I made many choices in our relationships with each other. We can’t reverse what we have done after all we were following a role model handed down from society. Simple choices from the heart versus the head may have altered things greatly though.
God has never forgotten us yet we have not only forgotten him we have pushed him out of our schools and government and day to day life because someone might be offended by him. When I lost Scott I felt devastated and mixed up with wanting someone to pay for the loss my family had endured. I didn’t realize for sometime what a gift I received when Scott died. That Scott had planned his life moment by moment intending on giving me and my family the gift of his death. I have accepted his gift to me and now I pass it to the rest of the world through these pages.
A
Brothers
Sacrifice
My Brother Scott was such a loving individual and most people remember him smiling, I know I do. He was also a gay man who lived much of his adult life in New York City in the 1980’s doing exactly what he wanted with his life. I want to speculate on some things in this book as a way to show how we let society and certain mind sets dictate our thought patterns.
Scott was living the kind of lifestyle that was so appealing to so many who were like my brother at that time in America and this still holds true today. Scott knew the artist Andy Warhol and they had a relationship of sorts for a time in the 80’s. This relationship may or may not be where he contracted the HIV virus either through Andy or some one he met through Andy. AIDS is just a small part of the whole mess that is destroying not only this country but the entire world for that matter. It’s not just the disease itself but the way we look at AIDS, the people who contract it and the ones who spread it. This is a disease that with proper precautions we could eradicate entirely. That of course could only happen if people would start being responsible for their actions and their choices.
The one thing that I can say about my brother is that he lived his life exactly how he wanted to. He was kind and caring to everyone he met. Of the four children born to Lyle and Georgia Nelson we probably always considered him the smartest of us. Not that my two sisters and I are any dummies at all. He just had this way about him and I know my sisters would agree. Scott carried himself with a dignity and grace that was admired by all who knew him. When he left this world we were profoundly sad yet at the same time we almost knew it had to be for some reason. That he had lived the way he wanted and got to check out and go home to God early. You see Scott Nelson knew how to be true to himself and he taught that to the rest of us.
I remember the summer of 82’ like it was yesterday. My sister Susie and I were living in Scott’s apartment in Lincoln, Nebraska while he spent the summer in New York with his friend Steven who was a student at NYU. One night I got a call from him, his usual checking up on us to see if we were destroying his stuff. I remember him cutting off the call early because he was being picked up by Andy Warhol and two diamond dealers from South Africa (where some say HIV came from.) They were probably going off to Studio 54 and a night on the town. Wow, this boy from Nebraska sure hit it big, look who he knows and imagine what these people can do for him.
Scott came back in the fall and did his last year at UNL. I stayed in the apartment with him until December of 1982. After he graduated in the spring of 83’ he moved back to New York and stayed there another five years before moving to San Francisco in the fall of 1988 so he could get better treatment for the HIV since the disease was starting to kick in more at that point.
This is more of the speculating I told you about. Scott knew that he had contracted HIV in 1982. He was also insistent that it didn’t matter who gave it to him because in his eyes that is the same as blaming that person for your actions and he took that responsibility alone. You can fill a room with all the “ifs” that could go on here with this and that’s why I’m doing this. I want your attention here!!! So that’s why I’m using Andy Warhol. Let’s face it, if I said he got it from some old drag queen from the village it won’t make you think twice like a celebrity will. Andy loved art and freedom of expression, not too mention the way he loved his fame he had attained so this book and its implications is just up Andy’s alley.
When Scott died in January of 94’ two days after his 35th birthday we were all at his side. The room was full of people and none of us knew what or how to act. It was such a surreal moment when it came down to it. They slowly turned back his ventilator that was keeping him going but we all knew he left there long before that. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in San Francisco when he left this world. Just one week earlier when we had arrived in the middle of the night it was raining so the halls around the emergency room at San Francisco General Hospital were full of urine smelling transients that we had to step over to get up to Scotts room. These were the same kind of people that Scott would fill his pockets with change so he had something to give them when he saw them on the street.
He finally let us into his life more in that last year and half before it was completely gone. We considered that a gift from this highly private man. He had always driven my sisters and me crazy with how anal he was but we did appreciate how he had really gotten all of his affairs in order before he died. Somehow through his death we were given a gift. He worked so hard at not burdening us with his problems. He never knew till that last year just how much we wanted to help and that we would do anything to be with him before it was too late.
As I write these pages almost fifteen years after his death I am still feeling moved to tears as I dig up these old memories. I know Scott would approve of his life being laid out for all to see considering the fact that I’m trying to show people the spiritual advances we can make by observing ones life like this. His life was everything he and God had planned it to be. He made a true sacrifice in the end so others may see that everything happens for a reason in this life.
This is the second book I have written and I know there is no way either one of them would exist at all if he was still here. I guess that I really don’t care how many get sold of either one because that is not the point even though I do know how much others can gain from my words just as I gained from Scott’s words. We always say if just one person can learn something from what I have done than my life is not a waste. Well Scott, I just might be that one person your life might have been sacrificed for.
Well, if I do this right then maybe I can affect many more with my words and actions. So really there is no telling the lives that will be changed by what my brother went through in his life and the way I transformed his life into these pages. My life has only made gains as a direct result of the loss of Scott’s life. For me to find these profound thoughts and feelings I have discovered could only come with Scott on the other side showing them to me in my dreams and visions. I guess you could say that he is the co-writer of this book.
Scott and Andy have been gone for many years and both are missed by a countless number of people. In Andy’s case can you imagine how many remember since they own a piece of his art and other memorabilia that provide endless memories. Some for true reverence others for pure profit. Scott was an artist as well but his paintings and such are only valued by the family he left behind. He was a great piano player too only we have no recordings of him, only our memories of his private concerts he did for us and his beautiful piano sitting quietly in my dining room now. It gets played occasionally but no one makes it sound like Scott did.
My sisters and I spent years thinking our Mom gave Scott more attention then us. She would call him “number one son” and it seemed like we only heard her extolling all his great virtues and the girl’s disappointments. My sisters and I use to call him “the golden boy.” It may not have been as bad as we thought at the time but it was happening because outside family members noticed as well. I remember an aunt asking me if it bothered me the way Mom would treat us compared to Scott. It was in that moment that I realized that is just the way it was with Mom and caring won’t change it. Now in retrospect it was probably Mom somehow sensing her time was limited with him.
If we thought Moms treatment of Scott over us was bad while he was alive it got worse after he died. The first three years we spent listening to her mourn over him as though he were an only child. My parents were divorced by then so she had no other support then her daughters. My sister Pam and I took Mom on an AIDS walk in downtown Omaha and that is where Moms pity party over Scott ended. It was natural to talk about him on that day but once again Mom had gone over board and I lost it. I proceeded to chew her out on a street corner in downtown Omaha and reminded her she had three living children and grandchildren that needed her and if she was going to act like her world was over because of the loss of one she didn’t realize how she was pushing us away with grief over him. That was it though, she didn’t realize what she was doing and from there on she made a great effort to change her attitude. She tried much harder over the years and truly coped as well as a parent can with the loss of a child. It makes me wonder if we would have said something when we were young would life have been any different then.
Scott was always the one who would tell Mom what needed to be said she listened to him like his words were gold. We rarely saw her challenge him so when we wanted something often we went to Scott first. Since his death that role has been put to me instead of my sisters. Maybe because I’m the baby in the family or maybe because I just know now if you want something done you speak up and take care of it. The family dynamics were altered so tremendously since his death and when I look at that whole picture I now understand that too was part of the gift Scott gave us. I don’t think we were much different then most American families in the way we were raised. We did the best we could and so did Mom.
Where was Dad in all this? Well, he was at the radio station of course. My Dad is one of those people that truly loved his work. He always knew he wouldn’t stay on the farm in western Minnesota like some of his brothers did. He went to Minneapolis after high school where he graduated from Brown Institute of Broadcasting (I went there too) and spent nearly fifty years in radio after that.
My father was a very typical Dad the way he was closer to the girls then the boy. The only one who had a problem with that was Mom who thought we should all revere Scott the way she did. Dad got along with Scott fine and Scott had no problems with their relationship either.
I remember Scott telling me years later of the first time he tried to tell Dad he was gay and he thought Dad just kind of dismissed it. I thought it was kind of funny that he went to Dad before Mom. He said Dad wasn’t angry he just seemed to not understand and didn’t want to talk about it. I could see the pride in my Dads face when it came to Scott as well as us girls. I think Scott and Dad both knew what they would and wouldn’t get from each other in their relationship and both were fine with it.
The way two people relate to each other is such a personal thing and I don’t think others have a right to tell someone you should be doing this or that for someone. Scott and Dad never saw the imaginary wedge between them that Mom always insisted was there. I think it was just her wishing they had some other kind of relationship than what they did. It was probably why my dad tried so hard with us girls, I think he was trying to make up for what he thought Mom was lacking with us. In the over all it was all for the best because we three girls know just how deeply our parents loved us.
When we were kids Scott was a very typical brother. We all received flicks on the head, spitballs and the occasional wedgies. We endured his friends imposing these things upon us too. Since he was also a cute blonde haired blue eyed tall lifeguard at Peony Park the biggest pool in Omaha we had every girl in town being nice to us only to get close to him. We just didn’t think to ask if they had a cute brother for him. It was when he went to work there and some of the people he associated with there that gave us reason to wonder about his sexuality. He had a real cute girl friend the end of high school and the first year at college. Her name was Pam and we all loved her. By then Scott couldn’t hide being gay anymore not from any of us so the cover ups were pretty thin veils by then.
Spending the years following college so far away from home made it easier for Scott to control what we saw of him and how much we knew. Let me tell you it looked pretty cool from where we watched. He really only let us see the glamorous side of his life. He made a lot of money and knew a lot of really cool people and that was enough for us to know.
I know if anyone of us in the family had just pushed a little more for him to clue us in on his life that Scott would have let us in more. We were the ones that didn’t push. We didn’t want to know the details of a gay lifestyle. We acted like if it wasn’t talked about it then maybe one day he would finally find a wife. Well he did and his name was Franc.
Scott and Franc were together for about five years and it was a bit too much for Scott. I liked Franc but he was a little high strung for my brother. He was my age and a little immature back then and Scott was laid back and very mature for his age. We didn’t get to hear many details of their relationship and once again I’m sure it was because we weren’t asking him about it. I know there were many times that Scott wasn’t letting us in, yet there were just as many instances where we didn’t even knock on the door to see if he’d answer.
I didn’t know till the week he died that Scott had almost invited me in to his life in a large way. He and Franc had long since broken up when Scott died but we called Franc anyway and he flew in from London that week to be with him. When I gave Franc a hug he told me that I was almost his wife once. He went on to explain that because of his visa issues (he was from Paris) he and Scott were going to see if I would move to New York and live with them and marry Franc and help legalize him. It was at the same time that I got my first radio job and met my husband to be Mark. He just couldn’t ask that of me then. If it was before Mark I know I would have said yes. What I might have done with my life if they had asked me a little earlier makes me truly wonder “what if?”
We had two funerals for Scott, one in San Francisco and one back in Omaha. The people in California were so sophisticated that even the food they served was a world apart from back home. It was definitely what Scott liked and that was important to those friends. The formality we give to a funeral is pretty funny when you think about it. The dead person has finally ascended to a pleasant place with no pain and they feel great and were the ones trying to save something that is going back to dust anyway by embalming and encasing it for as long as possible.
I have become a big supporter of cremation as a way of really letting go. I don’t think we should bury the ashes either. Scott had a great sense of humor and I think he would have laughed at the way his ashes arrived at my sister’s house. We had to pay extra shipping to have the funeral company in California send out Scott’s ashes. They went regular mail instead and one morning almost three weeks later my brother in law Tom asked my sister if that was her brother sticking out of the end of the mailbox and sure enough it was. No special delivery like we paid for just a box too big for the mail box but they crammed him in anyways.
Andy’s Influence
It really doesn’t matter whether or not Scott Got HIV from Andy Warhol or some other anonymous person in his life. Basically he got it from the lifestyle he chose (I’m not talking about being gay). As a society we tend to tell people how they must live and we make them feel guilty when they don’t keep with the “normal society.” Scott gave into what was popular and felt the need to be a part of that scene. He let the pop culture tell him what path to take and what was worse is that he looked down on those who were not a part of that lifestyle.
Andy Warhol had an influence on society and that influence played a part in Scott’s life and death and that is really what was at play here. I have a feeling when Scott spent time with Andy no matter how brief or long a moment that was he wasn’t thinking about whether he or Andy were following the examples of Jesus Christ like they were both raised. I remember many times when Scott would tell me of his escapades at Studio 54 and various other places then getting up early Sunday morning for mass.
Religion was a large part of my brother’s life. But were the traditional teachings only something part-time for Sundays when he attended mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral? I can say this because I did similar things back in Omaha only on a much different scale I knew a couple local TV and radio people that I partied with and still got up for church with Mom at St. Bernard’s.
Warhol was a supporter of many different artists and Robert Mapplethorpe was one of them. In case you don’t know who Mapplethorpe is he gained some notoriety years back by doing an exhibit event involving something with urine and some Christian symbols and called it art. I can’t judge these things either because he had his reasoning for putting it together but no matter how far I stretch my imagination I just can’t go there so I must let it go.
A few years ago I watched a movie about Andy Warhol’s life and about the woman Valerie Solanis, who shot him in 1968. I remember thinking wow, if she could have been successful in killing him could that have changed what happened to Scott? When Valerie Solanis turned herself in after the shooting she said, “He had too much control over my life.” That was her fault if you ask me. God gave us all free will, even Valerie. She chose to hang out with this man because she wanted something from him like the fame he had only for herself. When she didn’t get it suddenly it was Andy’s fault. Well, Scott wanted something from Andy and it’s hard to say exactly how much he got from him. It was at the very least a moment in Andy’s light to shape and influence Scott’s character. I always thought my brother had a very delightful character and if Andy had anything to do with that then God bless him.
Remember this is not about blaming anyone for Scott’s death certainly not Andy. It is about understanding in fine detail why we are connected to each other and that nothing we do is random. Whether Scott contracted HIV from Andy or perhaps someone he met through Andy or even a boyfriend back in Nebraska it doesn’t change the fact that he got it and he died from it.
If I wanted to blame someone I could say it was all Scott’s fault. Maybe he was running around too much or just the fact that he was gay and you know how some just see that as evil in and of itself. The fact is that he didn’t run around a lot though, he was a bit of a homebody preferring to curl up with a good book rather than a random array of lovers.
Our American icons influence us because we let them and Andy Warhol was a prime example of that. Somewhere someone said, “Ooh, isn’t he a genius we must revere everything he does.” So poof, we have an instant icon out of this small little man with a paint brush in his hand. I don’t want to belittle his talent because Warhol did some great pieces of art through his life. Some of his films I believe were pornography plain and simple. To all of it I say so what. Some may call one thing a master piece others may say it’s trash. The only repetitive Campbell soup labels in my house are in the kitchen cupboard.
Since this book is about my perspective I want to share fully that perspective so you understand my feelings on this. As I stated before I think Warhol was a great artist that doesn’t mean I cared for his work myself. I find it repetitive and exploitive the way he rammed things at the public until they were forced to except it as art. The funny thing is the way we took it all in as though he were some kind of prophet (who knows maybe he was).
I’m sure there was some big idolizing going on when Scott met Andy. After all he was an American icon who was openly gay living the life Scott envied and anyway who says no to an icon? I have a few people in my life that I admire so they seem that way to me.
Awhile ago I watched a documentary on PBS that Ken Burns did on Warhol and one of the things some old employees from “The Factory” (that’s what he called his art studio) repeated was that Warhol never seemed to take responsibility for his actions. He put things out there and asked people to do certain things and when they did and things didn’t go right Warhol seemed to not care. Why should he though? What I didn’t hear these people say though is that they could have just said no. “No Andy I don’t want to do this.” In my opinion Andy was just following his heart the only problem was these people were following Warhol’s heart, not their own. So if they had problems because of what Andy would or wouldn’t do for them it seemed easier to say he was to blame.
I guess it was good Andy met Scott rather than me because I’m not so sure I would have been impressed with him. The whole situation makes me wonder how such a smart man like my brother fell under the influence of such a man as Warhol. Scott wasn’t a drug addict like many of the “hangers on” that Warhol had around him so it wasn’t the false sense that a drug abuser follows. After all, Scott had a college degree and not just one but three majors and three minors. So what made this smart guy hook up with him? I have a feeling there were many more like my brother in and out of Andy’s life and the amount of time Scott was around him amounted to a split second of a life. But isn’t that all it takes?
I don’t think it’s as important to know that much about Andy Warhol the man to see the perspective I’m getting at here. It’s more of who Warhol represented and in this case it’s about the influence we let these American icons have on us. We get a perception that a celebrity has this God like appeal and anything from them is good. So no matter how smart you think you are if you see a person emulating that God like stature does that mean you are to worship them?
Celebrities become mini Gods to us and we let their status control and shape our thoughts. Look at the way people made connections with Sinatra and the Mob. Suddenly the mafia looked cool but I don’t really think he wanted anything to do with them on that criminal level. I don’t want to come down on old Frank but if he got around like they say with the ladies there is a good chance he may have spread an STD or two in his day. Nowadays it has gotten so out of control and so absurd with the pop culture I refuse to mention the modern day ones because I don’t believe they need their name in print again and certainly not in my book.
We seem to think these people have the answers to everything. Take a housewife like me in of all places Iowa, how could I even begin to understand the importance of a person like Andy Warhol? He was a genius and I’m too simple to understand a complex man like that. Well in this lifetime I’m in Iowa but as a psychic I have remembered other life times in many other places on this earth.
As a family we spent years listening to Scott tell us how sophisticated he and his friends were and we just wouldn’t understand things he was into. Now all these years later I’m still here and my brother and many of his like minded friends are gone. When Scott died in 1994 he had already lost 13 friends to AIDS. That would devastate me to lose that many friends.
I feel blessed that the people I keep company with never made me feel as though I need to put up any kind of pretense and I wouldn’t expect them to put one on for me. I have a very diverse group of friends around me that cover all ends of the spectrum from mansions to trailers (no trash). Diversity is one thing, unity goes beyond that.
Now is the time I have to watch my words because I don’t want to call anyone derogatory names. In my view many are misguided by society as to what is truly important in life. Many of them have no problem calling people like me and my friends back woods country bumpkins. Why is this, because we have our family pictures taken at the local Sears? We do a lot of our shopping at the neighborhood Walmart. Maybe it’s because an Andy Warhol painting may cost more than my house. I can’t say that I have never been influenced by societal things. We all get taken in at different levels it’s just where do you draw the line and sometimes do we draw a line at all.
I think Andy Warhol really new just how to tap into what the American public wanted from him. Why not, we are simple people and he new it. So make it easy to understand for these simpletons and they will buy anything. We weren’t really buying the art we were buying this strange little man who told us what we should like. Since no one else we knew was quite like him we were intrigued and we bought into it hook line and sinker. He was a genius and in my opinion most geniuses are not the most balanced people on earth.
In that same documentary on Warhol they also talked about different famous people who would commission Warhol to do their portrait and they would ask for a certain size painting to be done. At one point he refused to do them in anything but a 40 inch canvas because he had an agenda to fulfill. He was creating this entire wall out them and it didn’t really matter what they wanted. What the hell happened to the customers is always right? I guess that doesn’t go at Andy’s place and for that I say great for Andy standing up for his needs.
So does it sound like I’m slamming Andy or are you seeing what I’m really doing here? Andy did exactly what he wanted to and that’s a lesson we all need. It’s really about the way people like him influence us and how we let them do it to us. If my brother met one of my friends and they looked and acted like Andy without all the fame attached I know exactly what he would say. “What are you doing with that little freak do you know how out of touch with reality he is?”
Scott could be very judgmental when he wanted to be. It was almost a reverse discrimination he had going on. He had anorexic model friends with more mental problems then I could list. Want to be actor friends who may or may not have talent that worked with him at the restaurants he was at. He didn’t like us back in the Midwest making racial or religious or ethnic jokes but it was ok for him to make fun of rednecks and it wasn’t the way Jeff Foxworthy does today.
When he would come home for a visit and go to a neighborhood bar with us and we would introduce him to friends we knew like for instance a guy who was a biker type. He thought they were a waste of flesh and would even say that. He couldn’t even understand the mutt dogs I had. If they weren’t a purebred they were worthless and that is the exact words he said of my dogs once. I just new they were loving companions for me.
I’m not blaming my brother’s views on Warhol and people like him. Scott was a smart man and had the freedom of choice to follow and believe what ever he wanted as do I. It really just shows the different levels we work on. What he calls sophisticated I think of as snobbery. I don’t think I would have lasted five minutes in his world. The funny thing is at the time I really loved and admired my brother so much. He’s the one who left the Midwest and made something of himself. He had a passport and traveled around the world. I just married a guy from Minnesota and crossed the border to Canada now and then and you didn’t need a passport for a fishing trip like that.
The amazing thing is that we share the same genetic background and we were raised in the same household. So how is it that he can be so influenced by people like Warhol and I can be so turned off by people like that?
I really want to explain how I can sympathize with the woman who shot Andy. Not that I approve of that kind of action but I understand it. Andy blew her off and made her feel like an idiot and proceeded to use her and toss her out so her reaction was to not let him get away with that. I’m more passive than that. I think you just don’t give a person like that the time of day and do nothing to feed into they’re big egos. They get big egos because we give them that kind of latitude. We need to elevate ourselves rather then impulsively giving it all to the Icons we see. In other words when the shows over hit the power button on the remote and move on with your own life.
Warhol himself had done a similar thing early on in his life when he all but stalked Truman Capote. He was so turned on by Capote and his work that he followed him like a puppy. Well Andy what goes around comes around it was all a karmic kick in the ass if ask me.
Wow, this really does seem to be the chapter where I am slamming Andy and I want it clear that I do believe he was an exceptional human being as we all are. He was also a brother and a son to someone and they know the tremendous loss that I feel. I understand how much his family loved him. Just as we always recognized Scott’s talents Andy’s family knew of his special something. The Warhola’s (Andy changed his name a little) were also a catholic family just like mine and still one went off and did some very non-catholic things with his life.
I have often wondered how many other people in contact with Warhol let his influence run their life. When I asked Scott who he got HIV from he told me it wasn’t important and he was right. It’s not important that it came from a person of note or like I said maybe some old drag queen and that is the whole point to this book. When Liberace and Rock Hudson died the ex-lovers came out of the wood work all wanting a piece of the forgotten stars empire for their suffering that they blamed on those stars. That’s not taking responsibility for your actions that is just them wanting to blame someone else for their own misery and mistakes.
Scott knew his life was a direct result of his actions both for the positive things as well as the negative. He used to tell me towards the end that it didn’t matter whether it was cancer or AIDS or heart problems but that we get diseases from a build up of all the guilt we carry over from our actions and that guilt has to manifest itself somehow if we don’t get rid of it. So it is very important to let things go and forgive yourself as well as others.
I don’t think Scott felt guilty about being gay I think he felt guilty about the way he handled his life in his judging and assumptions of others. He was not open about it to the people who had loved him the most and that was his family back home. He thought we wouldn’t understand and gave us no credit that we might if he would just open up to us. That was a lot of assuming on his part. All the time he spent judging us because he assumed we were judging him. We didn’t judge him and in the end he knew that but by then it was too late and the damage was done by the AIDS and he was too tired to go on anymore.
My Work, My Will
Today I am writing this book and tomorrow I might be talking to a housewife in Idaho or a record producer in L.A. who just needs to hear some clarity about what they are doing. I know Scott would be surprised at what I have evolved into. I’m the Psychic and I didn’t see it coming so I’m sure he hadn’t all those years ago.
Once I started my walk in the light it became much easier for me to see those lines of where we start walking off in the dark. Essentially what I have found is that if I’m not being helpful to those around me then I’m not working like I should. Sometimes I have found that it’s about what you won’t do for them as a symbol of not walking into the dark with them. We are tempted to do whatever to help but we must know where not to cross too.
I find it funny that what I have been told to sow into other people which, is basically the word of the Lord, is questionable to so many. Not the word itself of course but maybe it’s just that it comes from me then? Sometimes it’s also about when the message comes to them as well, they don’t want to hear it outside of church. After all no one would really say anything bad against God would they? So it must be the messenger and when it’s delivered that’s not appealing.
Wow, can you imagine how many messages don’t reach the receiver because people think the messenger doesn’t look or sound right or it’s inconvenient right now. I know the look when I’m in the middle of giving a message to somebody and I would swear I was alone in the room. They might as well have a sign on their head “anywhere but here”. That’s when I shut up exit that dark space and be ready to repeat the message to someone else God then puts me in touch with.
There is no telling how much a person retains of what you say and when they choose to utilize it. Just because they were in the dark when the message was given, it may be one of the things God will use to pull them from the dark later. Kind of like all the things Scott told me so many years ago and I am only now putting them together here.
The human side of me does sometimes make me want to question an order but I let faith make me say “there is a reason.” I think we all need to look at faith as a direct order from God to do things right here on earth. If we were all ordered to have faith in all things we do then wouldn’t we automatically get it right? Faith is one of those free will choice things we have and so some actually choose to not use it. Still some pick and choose when it looks right for them. When I quit trying to decide what to believe in and just let God decide my day I liked what he planned better than my own plans.
In November of 2000 I found out I was pregnant with my third child at age 36 and along with that joy I discovered I also had cervical cancer. Well, now my kids are spaced out having two in college and one in the second grade. Combine that with seven surgeries over a five year period and somehow it all made me change my thought patterns whether I liked it or not. I can say now that I do like my thought patterns much better and that’s why I thought it was time to put those thoughts to paper.
God really did bless me with all I went through too. I understand why every bit of it happened to me and that I asked for it as a way to awaken me. My path is so much clearer now that I realized God wasn’t giving me a load of shit with all that, it was fertilizer and wow, has it made me grow.
From my experience with all that happened to me I now understand why people either get awakened or they get depression from those kinds of events. Every time I would wake up from a surgery I was seeing more and feeling more and dreaming more. I didn’t have time to be depressed I was trying too hard to organize all these new thoughts coming in my head.
All those new thoughts manifested into my first book “8-8-88 Symbols of a Life Path”. (My oldest son’s birthday) That book was a compilation of my views on how I believed this world works. Right or wrong it was my view and I put it out there and had it self published because I knew I had to.
It was during this time that I realized my psychic abilities as well. Being a big mouth I just started asking people why I was seeing certain things around them and when I saw the reaction that I would get from these people I knew I was on to something. It was then that I realized I needed to control my mouth, that my words had a power behind them and I had to make sure that I was being helpful to those I was reading on.
Now one of the main things I like to help people understand is the power behind their words and to never take it lightly. A simple comment from someone can mean much more to someone else. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told something to someone and they tell me about it later and I don’t even remember saying it.
I use to scream out for more signs to show my way until I realized God gave me a ton that I was passing by. How was I supposed to know that when my son was asking me what I was doing while cleaning the kitchen was his way of saying I want to talk to you. How many times did I throw that sign out when I told him “cleaning, now go get busy on your bedroom before I go in there!” How many times does a person, ask you to lunch and your first thoughts are do I have time for this person and who’s paying? When they should be I’ll make time and find the money somewhere.
God gives me plenty of little challenges like this everyday and when I learn to handle them better he gives me more to unfold. I have had the most unlikely people give me some of the most profound thoughts. I’ve recognized angels on the street disguised as transients testing a person’s good will. Have you ever walked passed one looked in there eyes and not helped them you just kept walking and felt that tug that you could have given a little something? Don’t be to sure they were human.
Have you ever not picked up the phone because the caller ID said it was someone who will keep you on the phone until your ear absolutely aches? That person is obviously here to teach you how to be confident at when to say goodbye. After all if that person is controlling the length and direction of that call it’s only because you let them.
I have learned the amount of God given power we have within us and the way we choose to either use it or deny it is an overwhelming amount. We act like we have no control over certain things in our life. We have so much more control than we realize or we would be utilizing it better than we do. When we accept the control and the power over something we also have to accept the responsibility that goes with it. Well it’s easier to shut off and let someone else do it I don’t want to be responsible for anything. I can’t believe I would plan a life that would have me avoiding things rather than getting in touch with that inner power.
Today while I write this is September 19 at 3:15 p.m. It doesn’t mean much to me on this quiet afternoon. On the couch is my Dachshund Gus snoring away. Scott would love that we have a purebred now with papers and everything even though he can be very naughty more so then the mutts I used to have. The trees are blowing with a good gust like they do this time of year in Iowa. Something has happened somewhere though. Life and death happened somewhere and I didn’t even notice it. In someone else’s reality an important event took place at 3:15 p.m. today. We mark our life with reminders of the events both good and bad. While this day and time may be a new person’s birthday it also is when someone exited this world.
The more I look for the Lord with every step I take the more I find he is always there everywhere. It was just me thinking I was alone before. For this revelation to have any true meaning for me then I must tell others what I have found while searching for God. I am human so I have this part of me that say’s “but I don’t want to look weird.” Wow, if I look weird to someone just because I project my love of God in my everyday life I should ask what I can do to help that person, not cover up my beliefs because they don’t understand. The biggest part of Loving the Lord is being happy to tell of your love for him as well.
I recently did some tile work on my back porch where I incorporated a cross in a pattern on one wall. Personally I think it came out beautiful and I felt the spirit of Christ within me as I did it. The human side of me couldn’t help but think “Oh, who are you trying to impress?” I thought about the reactions I might get from it with some people, after all I am a minister and I shouldn’t care what others think. I realized it doesn’t matter what others think. I felt motivated by God to do it and so I did. I don’t know who God wants to see this as they walk through my door but I’m sure it is meant for someone to see besides me and my family and they surely will be moved some way by it. I personally hope many will be affected by it, as many people as I hope God has set to walk through my door over the years. Besides who would actually tell me it looks terrible or tacky and that I should take it down?
I think back to when I was growing up and I remember a few women from the church that loved to wear there faith for everyone to see. Even though in the 1970’s you didn’t have to, I remember them wearing the veil on their head at mass. Most had a grotto of some sort in their yard or at least a statue of Mary or perhaps St. Francis. If you checked the bumper of their station wagon you probably would find a fish symbol as well. The problem was that sometimes these were the bitchiest and the most judgmental women I had ever come to know. So how do I know that I have not become one of those ladies that I feared as a child? I only want show my love of Christ in all I do with out looking like I’m trying to judge those around me.
So should I be upset when someone thinks I’m judging them? Well I guess I might be if I don’t allow them near me when I feel they are a bad influence. Sometimes that may include someone from my own family. I want them to see that I am only taking control over my actions they are free to do as they please just understand the “no” may only be for me.
A good example of this in my own home is our TV status. I hate it more and more because of the rampant immoral crap that comes out of that box not to mention the way my family has their attention fixed on that and I have to beg for them to turn it off and pay attention to each other. Sometimes I have to just wonder around outside because I can’t stand the vibration in my house that is being broadcast from that box. I can’t however tell them not to watch that choice has to be theirs.
People have no idea just how much of their lives have been stolen and controlled by the TV and radio. The amazing thing is how many TV celebrities do not let there own children watch TV. They make millions on this industries and have no problem corrupting you and your family but some how are smart enough to shelter there own.
It’s hard to believe that I went to school for broadcasting when I talk about this subject. KFAB Radio in Omaha was great to my Dad and put the four Nelson kids through private schools and college. That was also a day and time when you didn’t swear or make any kind of sexual remarks or you were fired before you walked out of the control booth.
The worst thing I ever did on the air was something I couldn’t help because I was born this way. You see I was blessed with what they call in radio “a great set of pipes”. I have a deep voice for a woman and every now and then I would get told I couldn’t do some spots for certain clients because those clients thought my voice was too sexy. That particular community was a heavily Mormon area and I was being judged by a tone that God himself gave me. I never did anything of a sexual nature on my shows it was just me. I did have a trucker drive 40 miles out of his way once to meet the woman behind that voice but I think he enjoyed what he heard.
I don’t really have an interest in going back on the radio unless I could do a show that involved my current devotions which would be telling of Gods word in some way. There is an audience for that and who knows maybe the media will evolve that way more and I would feel like rejoining it. Right now the most popular radio morning team in the Omaha market is a couple of guys that make tons of money for their bosses by being vulgar and stupid.
I remember when I moved to my farm in Iowa from Omaha Scott really thought it was a bad move. He was worried about the schools here and we were all worried about my oldest son Alex since he is Autistic. What Scott didn’t know since he passed only three months after I moved and never got to see our farm, was that Iowa has held one of the top spots in the nation for their schools and the University of Iowa is at the forefront in the study of Autism. Simply by being in the public school system here we have been afforded so many advantages for our son. So when I followed my heart across the border into Iowa it was God’s lead I was following.
I think Scott would be surprised how far his nephew has gone (how could this be in Iowa). He not only graduated high school but he also got his drivers license and that’s rare for autistic kids. He now is about to graduate college with a computer programming degree. Not only that but since he is considered special Ed so he qualified for Iowa’s BLAST program and this so called backwoods school system has helped flip the bill for his degree. It’s not necessary to say I told you so Scott because frankly I wasn’t sure myself when we moved here. I just always wanted a farm just like Scott always wanted to be in the big city.
I look at the Midwest as the backbone of this nation. We may seem to move a little slower here to those of you on the two coasts but you catch a lot more detail when you’re not running through things so fast. People who live on either one of the coasts have this idea about Midwesterners as though we just don’t get it. We look at them as though they just don’t get it too. So who’s right? Maybe it’s just one more of those things we need to come together and learn from each other a little more.
In January 2009 my family and I had celebrated what would have been my brothers 50th birthday. I can’t help but wonder what kind of man he would have matured in to. I also wonder what he would have thought of the changes I made in my life. I owe so much to him and the observation I made of his life while he was living and since his death. His death literally changed my life and I know for the better. Oh sure we would still be arguing the way we use to I’m sure if he were here but would the arguments have the depth of perception that this separation has given us? We had to be separated by death to grow the way we have. By the way even in death I still have arguments with him I just win some now.
Scott didn’t know me and I didn’t know him as well as I would like to since we had a six year age difference. It was just enough to put a gap between us growing up and by the time we got old enough to remove that gap he was on his way out. I spent those last years of his life trying to show him I wasn’t the dumb little blonde sister he thought I was. He never actually would say that he just didn’t give me much credit for anything. Now it’s not any kind of I’ll show him but rather we’ve shown each other and we’ve done it being a world apart from each other.
The first dream I ever had of Scott after his death was the two of us sitting in the church we went to as children. He was trying to tell me something and I remember feeling a little resentful in the dream like “who are you to tell me anything”. Scott and I had that attitude with each so much while he was alive. I just remember thinking just what was this dream all about? Well years later now and I have found the church within that God wants us all to find and it was Scott that helped bring me there.
I don’t think I need to worry if my influence spiritually on others is a good one or not. I really have faith now that as long as I keep pure of heart in all my dealings with people that my faith will guide my influence. I’m sure that some will question this book and the influence it may have and since I know where my heart is while I’m doing it I know it’s the right influence. I felt so strongly to get busy on this that it seems to be flowing out of me like a river.
I had a very intuitive little girl that was only four years of age tell me once that “Cathy, everything’s in just order.” I knew it was her way of saying that God has everything in hand and I only need to trust and believe in that. It is a phrase that has gotten me through many emotional battles that I have had to deal with over the years. It works every time though. I can feel my place in the universe by simply repeating to myself “everything’s in just order, everything’s in just order.” Finding a mantra that gets you through tough times is very important and I happily pass this one to anyone that may find it useful, try it.
I want to understand better these mystery’s we have in life and at the same time I am content when God wants to keep some things from me. I really understand that it is not important for me to know everything. That there might be a reason that I didn’t get clued in on certain things because I may have changed something that ultimately had to happen. This is just another reason why I know that everything is in just order.
It is so strange how I can feel so drained yet so fulfilled after I get up from the computer and it’s then when I know I’ve done something worth while. It’s the same feeling I get when I’m working with a client too. We are here to be of service to one another so I think it’s natural that I feel drained yet lifted with my ministry. Any job that a person does in this life should have them feeling that way if they are being productive at what they attempt. God gave us all skills and talents at different things and if we are utilizing them to the fullest then you feel it within.
My day starts around 5 a.m. and ends around 11 p.m. and everything in between is what God wants to make of it. I try to devote a full eight hours minimum to God in some way or another everyday. It may be on the phone with a client reminding them of Gods love or writing these pages. Instead of the TV I try to go for the Bible or some other inspirational reading material. Mixed in it all is just some old fashioned meditation and prayer as well.
When I keep to my walk in the light with God then my day flows smoothly and when I don’t something becomes off balance. You don’t have to be a minister like me to do Gods work though. I get many of my messages from some very ordinary people throughout my day. The person that blesses me when I sneeze is ministering. The one that says “thank God” when something great happens is ministering. God must be part of our daily walk and he must come out of our mouth without hesitation of what someone else may think.
I’m sure everyone remembers the ads for milk that simply say “Got Milk”. I have a similar T-shirt that say’s “Got Jesus”. I don’t wear it all the time but every now and then I feel moved to and I know it’s because God needs someone to see it. I’ve figured out too that I don’t need to know who I just influenced with it either. One of the first times I wore it I asked God to show me why he wanted me to wear it. I went through a whole day running in and out of stores and half forgetting I had it on. When I walked out of the last store to go home there was an older woman at the entrance who looked at me and smiled and quietly said as I passed her, “I love your shirt.” I knew then just how vast the spectrum is that God uses us to deliver his messages. She was the only one who responded to the shirt but I wonder how many others were moved and didn’t say anything.
I learned through all this that the way we carry ourselves everyday is a message to those around us. It’s like when your parents would get mad when you were wearing something questionable. In their own way they were trying to say “is that the message you want to deliver about yourself?” They were right too and we fought them saying it was the style of the day or “I just want to be me.” On some level I think we all know that we are like walking billboards now we have to start taking some responsibility for the messages we put out there.
I don’t remember smiling as much as I do now and I know it’s the light of God touching me. I find joy in the simplest things. I use to be bothered when someone would repeatedly ask things of me. Now I understand that God has sent them to me and I must help them in order to help myself. If they keep coming back to me then there must be a light they see in me for guidance.
We are here to serve God and when we do his will then he puts everything we need right before us. The joy I feel is a direct result of my actions and you’d be surprised how many people I know that will say they see this new glow in my eyes that has developed over the last few years and seem surprised when I tell them how I got it. Loving and serving the Lord in all I do is not the difficult proposition many seem to think it is.
I look at all my life as though it is changed moment by moment not even day by day. As something comes up with each passing moment try to look at it with the perspective of what would God want? Know that if you do it your way instead of what you know God wants then you must also understand that it is not because you can’t it’s because you won’t. So why won’t you do that initial tug? After all when we screw something up we always regret it and end up paying for it in the end. I’m just asking that we try changing things with each passing moment. To understand how selfish we are when we constantly tell someone “no I can’t help you.” Then we somehow don’t always see that turn around on us when we get told no.
I don’t see myself as any kind of what you would call a Holy Roller or Bible thumper yet I know some perceive me that way. I was a bit of a party girl in my day so now I have people thinking “who’s she trying to fool.” Some people give me so much praise it humbles me. All I know is that it evens itself out in the over all. I kind of think that if God has me thumping the bible at someone it’s because they need it thumped at them. It’s like this book is not being written for those who could care less, it’s being written because God has some specific people he wants me to help with not only my words and thoughts but also Scotts and Gods words as well.
Shared Wisdom
Shared wisdom is what makes this plane of existence work. Any team of people working on a project will tell you when they come together with their ideas some how the work gets done faster and better. So when are we going to start accepting that someone else’s ideas might be better than our own and that it might be a good thing to incorporate their thoughts with our own?
I don’t need to have all the answers here in these pages I only need to project what I do know because for some people reading this I can help enlighten them and maybe fill in some blanks for them. I pick up anything I can get my hands on to read in the hopes that someone else will show me a new way to look at something.
God is always trying to share his wisdom with us every time our intuition kicks in. How many times have you said to yourself “I knew it, why didn’t I do that?” We usually dismiss our intuition when it is telling us to do something that may be difficult. God forbid we might have to put ourselves out there in order to attain something grand in life.
One of these days we will all understand that we are here to be of service to each other. That life as God meant for us is about treating each other the same as you would treat Christ himself. One of my favorite bible quotes, “What so ever you do for the least of my brothers that you do unto me.”
Here I go thumping that book again. It’s not just the bible but also phrases from people like Einstein who made many comments that he couldn’t believe this world was made up of random things. Sir Isaac Newton said “I can’t believe I live in world full of accidents.” My son Alex surprised me a little when I read the quote he put in his senior year book it was Einstein once again, “Imagination is better than knowledge.”
I’ve always said I believe that life is too precious to be random. We need to find all these religious and scientific connections and start putting them together. We have all the answers to life but they are spread out between all of us. When we come together with each thread that we each have, we then will figure it out and it will make a beautiful clothe.
Everyone wants to be right and no one will concede that the guy over there may have an idea that will help me because lets face it he looks funny. So we might as well shut them out rather than waste time listening. Forget about children they need to be seen and not heard is the saying most of us grew up with. It’s this kind of Bull shit that has screwed us up most of our life. We thought it was being refined and sensible we were cutting out the nonsense. It was Bull shit and there is no other term I wish to use for it here.
My children have shown me more wisdom with there questions and comments on life than most adults I will ever know. We dismiss our children all too often as though there questions were a distraction or just a funny thing the little one said.
When my son Jackson Scott (named for his uncle) was five he told me of his dream about Grammee who was my mother in-law who died the first day of spring in 1999 two years before Jackson was born. He told me that she said she met new friends where she is at now and they painted pictures of flowers together in the dream. In my opinion that was not a dream but rather a visitation from his grandmother the only way she can now. It wasn’t the first either, he has told me of numerous dreams about her and also he told me of both God and Jesus visiting him in his dreams. I have learned to nurture these dreams and visions my children have by asking them non leading questions about them.
My oldest son Alex took me off guard the morning my mother in law passed away. My husband and his brother were at the hospital with their
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